My Kid Is Non Binary. I Have Questions!

The lighthearted title shouldn’t take away from the fact that this is a very serious subject for me. I am so glad my child trusted me with this information. I am finding that my lifetime as an ally really hasn’t fully prepared me to parent a non binary child. I’m doing my best and learning new things every day. For starters, identifying as non binary means that a person doesn’t identify as exclusively male or female. I knew this. Or, I thought I did. It turns out, like most things, it’s complicated.

Ted Eytan via Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0

1. Why are non binary people also considered transgender? Here’s the first thing I wasn’t aware of. According to the Human Rights Campaign, transgender is actually an umbrella term that simply means the person’s “gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth.” Since, non binary people don’t feel fit into one of the two traditional genders, being under the trans umbrella makes sense!
2. Are non binary people gay? Maybe, maybe not. Like everyone else, a non binary person may be gay, but also could be straight, or bisexual. I think the take away from these first two questions is the classic, don’t assume things or you know what could happen. I am finding that the more I learn, the less I need to know about a person’s gender identity or sexuality. In most cases, does it really matter that I know? When it comes to my own children, of course I want to know what they’re going through and how to support them. At the same time, I don’t need to know the gender identity of the cashier at Target who has long hair, nail polish and a beard.
3. Why are pronouns so important? There are a lot of big picture ways to support non binary people and other members of the LGBTQ community. But, as a parent, some of the support is more personal. I have been saying the pronouns thing is so hard. But really, what kind of a cop out is that? Hard? Hard is childbirth or going on your first job interview. It was quite the aha moment when I realized I was just being a big baby. The bottom line pronouns are a big deal. I think most people appreciate a sincere effort, a brief apology if we’ve made a mistake and that’s it. There’s no need to go on and on about it. There’s no need to even understand why they are so important. They just are.
4. Wait, do I have to just go along with everything they’re doing? This is a tricky one. The short answer is hell no. I am still the parent and kids want (and need) some boundaries and rules as much as they pretend otherwise. Those things are there for their protection as they learn to face the consequences of good and bad choices on the road to independence. This has been one of the harder things I’ve faced during this journey. Often, I’m the one who has to learn and adjust my expectations, but there’s also something to be said for taking time before making any major changes, like names for example. If that happens, I think we will start with unofficial updates and then sit with that for a while before pursuing legal change. That may put me on their bad side for awhile, but that comes with the parenting gig.
5. What does the future hold? Well that’s a freaking scary question! Or is it? My favorite parenting poem of all time addresses this issue. “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.
   You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.” Khalil Gibran knows what he is talking about on this one. We never know how it will turn out. We may think we know, we may have ideas, but we have to let them live their lives. A foundation of honesty and love is not a given, but if they have that, a lot of other things will sort themselves out in the end.

PS: This is the third article, in a series of who knows how many, about my LGBTQ parenting journey.