My Kid Changed Their Pronouns. I Have Questions!

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

It felt like a whirlwind to me. Within a few weeks, my kiddo let me know they were bisexual, non binary and wanted to use They/Them pronouns. I said the same thing many people say, ‘They/Them? That’s going to be hard for me” I said I would do my best and then promptly did not do my best. I, frankly, didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to have to explain it to anyone, I didn’t want anyone asking me any questions about it. That was all a bit confusing because at the same time, I really, really wanted to support my kid. I’m happy to report that we are getting there! I am at the point where I rarely slip up on the pronouns and many of our immediate family members are too. Here’s some of the things we’ve learned so far.

1. Why are pronouns so important? Without checking with Google, I will say my first assumption is a big part of it is respect. I have a son that prefers to go by his full, given name and inevitably, even when he tells people that, some continue to call him the shortened version. It’s annoying. Is it a big deal? Kind of. When you just ignore someone’s request to be addressed a certain way, it communicates, at the very least, that you can’t be bothered. At the worst, it could be interpreted as you saying that you don’t think that person, as a non binary individual, has the right to exist.
2. When did all of this pronoun stuff start? One excuse that I myself have made is that this is ‘new to me.’ It is really. I’ve pretty much lived my fifty plus years using the pronouns She/Her and He/Him. But, are other pronouns really a new thing? According to this BBC article, “examples of the singular “they” being used to describe someone features as early as 1386 in Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales and also in famous literary works like Shakespeare’s Hamlet in 1599.” To be fair, these authors weren’t using they/them to define someone in a gender neutral way, but it does show that we’ve been exposed to speaking this way for quite a while.
3. I keep making mistakes. What should I do? I normally don’t make a big deal in a public situation. I might immediately correct myself and move on, or just make an effort to fix that mistake the next time I use the pronoun. The last thing I would want to do would be to make the other person uncomfortable in a public situation. I try to remember, it’s not about me and making myself feel better. Two, it can be meaningful to privately apologize to the person later. Of course, this depends on a lot of factors, but when I started doing a better job with the pronouns for my kiddo, I privately apologized for not doing a good job in the past and thanked them for their patience with me.
4. Do I need to ask people what their pronouns are? Personally, I am seeing more people sharing their pronouns on social media and in social settings. At the same time, realistically, it is still something that is new for many people and depending where you live, it may not come up very often. I believe the best way to make sure you are respecting pronouns is to share your own when it’s appropriate. For example, I’ve attended meetings where sharing pronouns is part of the introductions. Can you just ask? Sure, I would say depending on the situation, it could also be super nice to just share yours and ask directly.
5. What if they change their minds? What if this is just a phase? I hear stuff like this all the time, so I figured it had to be one of the questions. We really don’t need to overthink this one. If they ‘change their mind,’ you can start using another pronoun! If they ‘change their mind’ and go back to a traditional pronoun, they will remember that you tried your best to support them as they explored their gender identity. The statistics are very clear about parental support and the positive impact it has on teens dealing with gender identity issues. Is it always easy for parents? Not a chance. We have our own journeys and there can be grief and a lot of mixed emotions when our children come out. I suggest parents find their own support, whether it be an online group like Mama Dragons or in person therapy or group meetings offered by organizations like PFLAG.